“You might as well return those clothes,” she said. I was hoping for a breather after the huge ruckus on Tread Lightly Day (as outlined in last week’s column). My hopes were unfounded.
“Why do I have to return them? Why do I have to be the bad guy?”
“Because you refuse to wear them and I already went to the work of picking them out for you.”
It seemed that none of the issues at hand would be confused by logic.
So, as much as I hate returning stuff to stores AND shopping AND trying on clothes, I found myself doing all three over my lunch hour. I was out to prove a point that ANYONE can buy clothes for me. Even me.
My foray into the retail jungle immediately hit a snag: I found some clothes that I really liked. That made me paranoid. Even as I envisioned myself showing off my shiny new duds, I pictured my wife snickering, then telling all of her friends that I went shopping (eye roll) and came back with exactly all the wrong things (terminal eye roll).
So I stretched outside my comfort zone. I mean, I really dug deep and did something that I could never picture myself doing. I bought a green shirt.
And not a manly, you-must-live-deep-in-the-jungle dark green shirt either. It was an is-that-white-or-some-shade-of-avocado shirt.
“Let’s see her snicker at THIS!” I thought to myself.
Excited by my bold purchase, I found more (solid colored) shirts that I liked. “Who needs to try on shirts when you can just hold them up to your chest?” I laughed. “This is easier than I thought! I know what size my body is!”
“Had some returns, did you?” asked Bob, the checkout guy.
“Yeah. My wife came home with six plaid shirts.”
“Six plaid shirts? I like plaid, but who wants six plaid shirts?”
“That’s what I said.”
“How’s the couch?”
“Not that bad.”
Now the problem with proving someone wrong is that they may decide to overlook the “Big Picture” and focus instead on the teeny, tiny minor details for no other reason than to show you up. If that happens, you have no recourse but to tell them that they are wrong and to suck it up like you always have to--or chicken out because you’re tired of sleeping on the couch.
“I see you bought some shirts.”
“Yes, one is green.”
“I see that as well.”
“I accept your apology.”
“What a relief.”
“Yeah, shopping for clothes is surprisingly simple.”
“Was it so simple because you decided to buy clothes that are clearly labeled SMALL when you are an EXTRA LARGE?”
“What do you mean?”
“You couldn’t even fit your arm in these shirts.”
“But I did get some nice shirts.”
“Including a “sea foam” one…”
“Want to go on a date tomorrow night? With my eye for solid colors and your attention to detail, we just might be a winning combination.”
Mark Thrice is your nationally syndicated humor columnist of Olympian proportions.