Every man knows that there are certain times he must tread lightly, even though he is the master of his domain. On Tread Lightly Days, you never know how certain people will react. Wednesday was one of those days.
“I bought you some new clothes,” she said.
I immediately realized that the best thing to do was to reassure her as to my intentions:
“I don’t want to fight.”
“They were 50% off the lowest price!”
“I don’t want to fight.”
“Take a look, honey!”
Reaching into the shopping bag, she pulled out a whole mess of plaid-ness. I didn’t know what to say.
“I bought you six of them.”
I knew I was in a bind. Not only was it a Tread Lightly Day; now she was trying to get me into plaid.
”Honey, you know I hate plaid,” I reasoned.
“No you don’t,” she countered. “You have two plaid shirts in your closet.”
“You bought me those last year and they are TINY plaid. These shirts are HUGE plaid. Besides I have plenty of other nice shirts.”
“Those shirts are something my 60- year- old father would wear. But this one (pointing to one with huge, clown-like squares on it) is all the rage. Don’t you trust me?”
This was going from bad to worse. I had to think fast.
I knew what I wanted to say. I wanted to say, “Do I do that to you? Do I point at your night gown and say, ‘This is something my mother would wear but THIS is something a foxy hottie would wear’?”
But a man has to rely on his instinct and mine was telling me that today was a day to keep my mouth shut.
“Of course I trust you. I just don’t feel comfortable wearing huge, colored squares across my body.”
“Why don’t you just try the shirts on?”
This was unfair. Here I was, trying to be reasonable, and she was TOTALLY pressing her advantage. (“Sure I’ll try them on. Then she’ll rave about how good they look on me. Then she’ll tell me that I should hang them all in my closet. Then next year she’ll buy me some leotards and say, “Why don’t you like them? You’ve already got a closet full of plaid shirts??” Sure.”)
And yet I restrained myself because I am a bigger person. And I am petrified of Tread Lightly Day.
“Why would I try them on if I don’t even like them? I wouldn’t want to waste your time and get your hopes up…”
“My hopes? MY HOPES??”
Even though I am now sleeping on the couch, I did manage to get the last word on the very next day.
“Honey, I bought YOU some new clothes from the new lingerie store. I know you’ll love them. They were 50% off the lowest price!”