One of the most difficult tasks we face as married men is in the area of fashion. The problem centers around rules.
And the fact that they keep changing.
And the fact that we don’t care.
And the fact that our wives do.
The trick is to avoid people who turn their noses up at your choices.
In my perfect world, a pair of jeans and a T-shirt would be appropriate for most occasions from planting shrubs to attending funerals. This combo tells you: This guy knows who he is. He is a Natural Man. Other guys would automatically connect with him and women would sigh, secretly picturing him chopping wood and smelling good.
But that is not the world we live in.
Unfortunately.
My wife (looking at me standing by the door): What are you wearing to work today?”
Me (getting an uneasy feeling that I’m about to fall into a trap): “I’m wearing this, that you see on me right now.”
My wife (frustrated): Honey, you CAN’T wear THAT shirt with THOSE pants. And I don’t even know where you got those socks from. What shoes were you going to wear??”
Me: “Hadn’t decided.”
My daughter: “He was looking for his running shoes!”
At this point, my wife rolls her eyes at my daughter. My daughter shakes her head at me as I mentally remove her from our will.
Back into the bedroom I go.
My wife: “How many times do I have to tell you: that shirt will only go with certain pairs of pants. Those pants…those pants need to be burned. And then buried.”
Me: “These are my good jeans!”
My wife: “Those WERE your good jeans eight years ago. Didn’t you dig the stump out last year with them on?”
Me: “Who cares? That’s the great thing about jeans. You can wash them and they’re like new again.”
My wife: “Nope. They’re old and faded and getting a hole in the knee. Wear these instead.”
She hands me a newer pair of jeans.
Me: “Where did these come from?”
My Wife: “I bought them a year ago at Mark’s Work Warehouse. You’ve worn them a dozen times since. They look good on you.”
Me: “They don’t LOOK new. Plus they have a hole in the knee.”
My wife: “That’s the style.”
Me: “That’s ridiculous.”
At this point, my wife is tired of arguing with me. Actually, she’s just tired of me. She switches tactics:
“I just want you to look good. Don’t you CARE what I think?”
Me: “Of course I do. It’s just that I…well I…you see the thing is….(sigh) just lay out what you want me to wear.”
Later, at the office, a coworker stops me in the hall.
“Looking good John! How do you manage it?”
Me: “It’s a secret. And I don’t want to talk about it.”