As a comedian and professional emcee, I am not afraid of the thing that most people are: speaking in public. Give me a stage, a packed room and a microphone and I’m a happy man. I’m not even afraid of COVID19. I’ll be the one family member that leaves the home to forage for what we need to survive from week to week. 

But I’ll tell you one thing that strikes terror deep in my heart—the one thing that threatens my confidence—that I try to avoid at all costs—buying groceries. 

It’s not that I CAN’T go to a store and add things to my shopping cart. I can do that. However, it all falls apart with one tiny ingredient: my wife’s list.

My Wife: Here is the list of everything we need. It’s only about thirty things. I’ve added chicken thighs, chicken breasts and chicken wings. Only choose two of the three, depending on which one has the best sale. I’ve texted you with sales from two other grocery stores so you can price match (don’t forget you price match in the meat section now and not at the cash register). You can use the VISA gift card to pay for the whole thing but if they happen to go over $75 then pay for the rest with our savings account—not chequing because the money in chequing is to pay for the house insurance which also comes out today.

Et cetera Et cetera…

I can’t JUST get the food we need. 

• I have to compare meats. 
• I have to get a butcher’s attention as he is using the Sawzall on a ham hock, show him a picture of a flyer that my wife texted me and hope he agrees to cooperate. 
• I have to buy feminine protection. I make a mental note to check the list better next time while I’m still at home to avoid surprises…
• I have to use two or more different forms of payment, based on a complex formula

This detail-enriched conversation has served to change my shopping experience from a retail adventure to a challenge, where, if I fail, I will bankrupt my family, ruin our credit rating and, worst of all, pay full price for something boneless and skinless…

My wife: Well, did you enjoy your time out of the house? Why are you shaking?

Me: I need to lay down. Buying food will be the death of me.