One man's struggle to make sense of it all

50 vs The Kids

50 vs The Kids

As you approach 50, there are a few things that hit you at the same time.

Things sneak up on you when you approach your fifties...
Things sneak up on you when you are in your fifties…

#1 Your kids will be getting older and thus, busier. They will probably have their driver’s licences and will be truly believing that you have an obligation to lend them your car, fully fuelled. Your reasons for using your car (I have to got to work. I have to get the tires rotated. I have to go to the hardware store to get what I need to fix the downstairs toilet.) will not be equal to their reasons for using your car (There is a shoe sale at the mall. There is a shoe sale at the mall. I have to go to the beach.)

#2 Your kids will be getting older, and thus, hungrier. Your biweekly trip to the grocery store for Big Groceries ($300) will need to be supplemented on the opposite weeks for more food at a couple of hundred dollars at a time.

You used to laugh at parents that talked about hiding their favourite snacks. Lately, however, you hear yourself say things like: “But we just bought Smartfood yesterday. The BIG bag too.” And “Who drank all the pop? We just bought a case of it on Friday night!” Your scarcity brain starts to kick in and instructs you to leave a small bag of Smartfood in your closet, under the hats.

#3 Your metabolism will rebel against you and simply stop burning off your calories the way it used to. There is no reason for this. You will have to start buying a different style of pants (IE Pants For The Large Butted Man) and your wife will start filling your closets with shirts that “don’t press against your tummy as much”.

The worst is when #2 and #3 combine at supper time. Everyone is hungry (especially on Meat Loaf night). Mom serves everyone the same size of portion and you try to eat slowly and savour the deliciousness, knowing that your body is simply taking what you eat and packing it away into your love handles. However, when you look across the table, you see both of your sons almost finished their entire plates and you know that in a moment they will be grabbing second helpings, like the huge hogs they are.

There is no time to think. Only time to act. Waiting for your body to tell you it is still hungry will mean you telling your body “tough luck”. You lurch towards the casserole dish and grab a giant scoop of seconds before either of your competitors can react.

No, you may not have been hungry. Yes, this extra serving will go directly to your buns. However, you have proven one thing: Even at 50 you are still a threat to be considered. A larger, softer threat, but a threat none the less.

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